It's Complicated.

Photo: "Empty Chair" by Noel Abelardo

If only there was a better way.
If only there was an easier way to say goodbye.
But even if I crack my skull open,
I know there really isn't any easier way to
let go.

A recent blog entry of a friend made me realize a few parts of my (love)life that, for as long as I could recall, I ignored or refused to accept. And writing about it is more difficult that you might think.

I fall in and out of love almost instantly and in repetitive successions and it's not healthy. Not even for an enduring heart such as mine. I am what they say co-dependent and have this eternal fear, that until quite recently I thought I conquered, to be alone... to live and die alone. Come to think of it, there really isn't anything wrong with being alone, most especially if you're gay. Being such, the fact remains that singlehood, loneliness, depression, and being alone is as natural and inevitable as death itself.

It got me thinking: do homosexual relationships really last? For people like us, this has been the million dollar question of a lifetime. Answers and opinions vary depending I guess on experiences. For those people who were lucky enough to find their 'life partner' this is a big fat YES. But for the majority, it remains only as a possibility.

If you've followed my blog from the very beginning you'll know that I am a love-a-holic. I am often disillusioned by the promises of forever and the chance to get my 'happy ever after.' And for the countless times that my heart was broken I remained ever-so loyal to its ability to heal itself only to be broken again. I am not saying that you should lose faith and hope on love. But truth is, not everyone is as blessed. It may be a disadvantage that my heart has this innate capability of loving endlessly and in so many different levels but I am starting to believe that it's getting to be a burden.

I should start taking care of it (my heart) before it totally gives up on the entire idea. And I don't mean that only on the emotional sense but physically as well. I've been abusing it by not exercising, not eating right, cigarettes and alcohol. I'd sooner die than find that darn soul mate. If it even exists. On which another blog from a friends' friend pointed out clearly that it's statistically impossible for you to find your soul mate. And even if you do find him/her in your lifetime, there's probably some screwed up reason why you still can't be together. So really, why waste time finding them, when you can get the next best thing... the person who just cares and loves for you. Don't bother thinking if he/she is THE ONE because chances are, you will live the rest of your life not knowing.

So how do I keep happy? I really don't know. But I will much rather try than be in a situation I am not supposed to be in. I will have to pull up some courage to do what I'm about to do but I know this is the right thing to do.

I don't want to be 'that' person who finds happiness at the expense of another. I shall not become the person I hate the most.

I've waited 15 months for a good relationship to come what's another 15. I guess if it'll be worth the wait then I should.


But there isn't any.
Only to cry and mourn
for a time until it's over.
Then just... move on.